


Darling Heart (I Loved You from the Start)

by Ce_ba



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, I love that they gave him a dog tho that part can stay, Idk how to tag this there is some angst, Love Confession, M/M, also Dean doesn't die, fuck the writers man, mainly comforting fluff, this is how destiel can still win
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 08:08:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27659956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ce_ba/pseuds/Ce_ba
Summary: Supernatural Series finale fix-it fic because apparently the writers can't even do this simple thing right. Instead of dying, Dean goes on a walk with his dog in this one.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 106





	Darling Heart (I Loved You from the Start)

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't think the thing that would make me write proper (fan)fiction again after months of being stuck in a creative desert would be a show I haven't watched in five years, but here we are. This is what happens when your last episodes aren't just momentous enough to make ex-fans intrigued and cautiously hopeful, but also bad enough to shovel way down past a _very_ low bar. I'm dedicating this to my 15 year old self who would have been heartbroken about this episode. Hang in there, darling, in 2020 you'll just go straight up insane and it won't even matter.

The pain was imminent and everywhere. It started somewhere below his ribcage and spread, so fast that he couldn’t even pinpoint where it had started exactly; his entire back was in flames. Warm blood trickled out of the wound, soaking his shirt and jacket, but he barely even felt that. Just like he barely even registered when the vampire that had thrown him against the wall was ripped off him and beheaded.

“That’s the last one,” Sam said, getting back on his feet. Dean stiffened, trying in vain to breathe around the pain, and Sam’s eyebrows puckered. “Dean?”

He barely managed to grind out the truth between his teeth, too scared that if he opened his mouth he’d just start howling in pain. “Something’s got me, Sammy.”

Sam’s face fell, panic taking over. “Okay, okay. Where?” he demanded, already shrugging off his jacket.

“Back.”

“Can you move?”

Dean grumbled something that he hoped Sam would take for ‘no’. He probably could move; he was pretty sure he still felt his legs – the pain was just too much. And it would only multiply if he didn’t hold still.

“Okay. This is not gonna be pretty then, alright?” Sam said, gripping his shoulders tightly. It took some of the weight off his injured back, but the movement made the pain flare up. Sam counted down before pulling him forward, off of whatever it was that had impaled him, but nothing could have prepared Dean for the flames of pain shooting up his spine. He hissed and groaned as he stumbled forward. Sam caught him, immediately pressing his bunched-up jacket to the wound.

Dean stayed quiet for a moment, surveying the run-down barn while he waited for his lungs to start working again despite the pain. Their fight had knocked over old crates and busted planks of wood. Blood splatters and vampire ashes covered every visible surface. It seemed almost funny that this was how he was going to go out. He’d always thought he was destined to die guns blazing, but now that he was, this time for good, he wanted anything but this. “Sammy-“ he started.

“No,” Sam said, shifting him in his arms and turning his face with his free hand, so he had to look him in the face. “You’re not going to die. Not today, not like this. We’ll fix this, okay?”

Dean wanted to reply that he was and that it didn’t matter. That Sam was wrong. But he stayed silent as Sam shifted him again, lifting him up so he could carry him to the Impala. He stayed silent too, as Sam muttered “Just hold on, okay? Stay with me.” And he stayed silent as the Impala rumbled to life, jostling him in his seat as Sam reversed back onto the street. And he tried to do as his brother said.

**Two weeks later**

Miracle wagged his tail excitedly as he stared up at him with his perfectly adorable puppy dog eyes that Dean knew he was never, ever going to say ‘no’ to.

“And you want me to _throw_ it?” he asked as he crouched down to take the stick Miracle had found while frolicking through the nearby clearing. “Alright.”

His back, mostly healed but still a pain in the ass, already protested as he got up. He threw the stick anyway, hissing in pain and instinctively pressing a hand to the offending spot as Miracle bounded away, blissfully unaware of such human problems as a recent stab wound. Falling back against the railing of the bridge, he watched as the dog lost sight of his stick, grabbed another one, and then went chasing after some squirrel, trying to bark around the stick.

Pushing down the hunter’s anxiety about having lost sight of Miracle, he turned around, forcing himself to look at the little creek that ran through the woods instead. It was picturesque and perfect, and it should have made him feel at peace. He should have been at peace for weeks now, after they had killed Chuck and he’d woken up in the hospital alive despite that last disastrous hunt. He should be happy that Miracle was back, and Sam was still there, and that while he’d been in the hospital Eileen had somehow found her way back to the Bunker. He should be happy that his little brother was happy and that for once in their lives they had some damn peace.

But it was hard to enjoy the world he’d saved when peace and quiet felt more dangerous than anything he’d ever had to face while on the hunt. And it was even harder when his mind wouldn’t calm down for a second, because all he could think of was what Cas had told him, and all he could imagine of his future was what he would say to Cas when he saw him again. Except even after he’d almost been killed by a vampire, Cas hadn’t showed.

He ran his hands over the railing and listened to the creek burble. And the world felt so incredibly empty that he couldn’t help but speak.

“Cas. I know you’re out there and you can hear me. I know Jack pulled you out of the Empty and you’re probably up there with him now. I know because I know him. And I know you. And you’re probably busy with everything, so…… but it’s been a while. And I just- it would be nice to know for sure. Just a sign or something.”

He was answered with silence, just a couple of birds chirping in a nearby tree and the creek burbling undisturbed.

And then, “Hello, Dean.”

He didn’t turn around immediately, letting the relief wash over him. Even seeing Chuck die, knowing they were finally free hadn’t had this effect on him. Was this what peace and quiet were supposed to feel like?

Cas stood at the other side of the bridge, back pressed against the railing. He looked like the last couple of weeks hadn’t happened, his trench coat immaculate, the tie hanging loosely but neatly around his throat.

“Hey, Cas.” The smile that came with that name was almost reflex.

Cas said nothing, standing still as a statue. He was only two steps away, but it felt like miles. The silence that ensured was unbearable.

Dean cleared his throat. “You know, er, funny story while you were gone: I almost died hunting some vampires.”

“I know.”

“Well, that would have been fun right? I survive God but then I spring a surprise visit on Jack and you up there because of some vampires.”

“I wouldn’t have let that happen.”

Dean nodded, unsure what to say to that. Cas’s exterior was still stony, so very different from the last time they’d been face to face like this. This Cas now didn’t seem happy to be here with him, this Cas- this Cas didn’t seem to feel anything for him. Between his- his _confession_ and now, something had changed.

“I keep thinking about what you said before the Empty took you, you know,” Dean said, barging ahead. “I thought when we defeated Chuck, you’d show up with everyone else, but then you didn’t, and I’ve been- I’ve been thinking about what I would want to say to you when you finally came back every day, Cas. And I keep thinking about how I should have said it then already and- “

“It’s alright,” Cas interrupted him. “You- I don’t need you to say anything. I know.”  
Dean swallowed, a dark feeling churning in his stomach where relief should have set in by now. If Cas already knew, he wouldn’t have to stumble over the biggest hurdle in all of this: Actually putting into words what he wanted. But the way Cas had said it, the rigidity with which he still pressed against the railing on the other side of the bridge, didn’t suggest Cas knew. Whatever Cas thought he knew, he must have come to the wrong conclusions.

“Do you?”

Cas smiled sadly. “Dean, I meant everything I said that night. _Everything_.”

Dean swallowed again, all the Cas had said that night running through his head at once, creating chaos. Until the chorus of _I love you, I love you, I love you,_ was replaced by something far more devastating: _Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. In just saying._

He took a step towards Cas reflexively and shook his head. “No. That’s not-“ The words already failed him, and Cas didn’t seem to realize what he meant, making no move towards him. He looked around the woods surrounding them, trying in vain to figure out how to adapt what he had meant to say to this situation. It all seemed so inadequate now. More than he would ever admit to anyone, and yet not enough by far.

He took a deep breath and then just went with the first thing he needed Cas to know, hoping he would get to the right place eventually. “When I was dying, I looked around and I thought: Not like this. I don’t wanna die today. Not here. Not like this. And then I woke up in the hospital, and I realized I don’t have to. No one’s gonna force me to go hunting ever again, and so I won’t. I’m gonna retire.”

He paused, letting the finality of that decision, now that he had told someone else, settle in. Relishing, briefly, in how good it felt. “I haven’t told Sam yet. I don’t even know what I’m gonna do next. Probably stay in the Bunker for now, and then-“ He paused again. “I don’t know. Open a bar, maybe.” He took another step towards Cas. “But I know that I want you to be there for that. I want you to be there with me.” He grabbed Cas’s hands, holding them between the two of them. It sent a thrill through him, because it felt like, although he was just holding Cas’s hands, he was baring his entire heart to him now. It was a thrill he never wanted to stop. “And I know that you’re busy with heaven right now, just- promise me that you’ll come back now and then. And that you’ll stay once you’re done.”

Cas looked from him to their hands, then frowned. Dean could almost see the wheels turning in his head, trying to make sense of what he’d just said. And he seemed to come up empty. His frown tightened with every circle Dean’s thumbs rubbed into the backs of his hands in a futile attempt to calm himself down. And he kept staring at their hands.

Dean took another deep breath. “I love you, Cas.”

Cas finally looked up again, the frown dissipating from his face as the realization hit. Dean watched as the knowledge settled, and then, after seemingly forever, Cas said, “You want to open a bar?”

Dean shrugged. “Yeah, like a roadhouse with an apartment in the back, selling cheap beers and mediocre burgers. And maybe I help out the occasional hunter that stops by, like Bobby did for us. But I’m never killing another monster.”

Cas smiled and finally returned the grip on his hands. “I think I’d like that.”

Dean let out a relieved laugh, tension finally bleeding from his shoulders. Cas smile grew bigger, and before either of them could overthink this again, Dean leaned in, kissing him.

Cas responded in an instant, lightly cupping Dean’s jaw with one hand and wrapping the other arm around his back, pulling him closer. Dean went willingly-

-And hissed in pain.

Cas let go at once, searching his face in concern.

“Back,” Dean explained before he had to ask what was wrong.

Cas relaxed. “Do you want me to-?”

“Nah. It’s gonna be fine on its own. Just- be careful with me for a while longer?”

Cas smiled in answer before leaning in again for a short kiss. Then he pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around Dean’s shoulders this time, and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder.

As he hugged Cas back, Dean let out a long, content breath. And found his mind quiet. The creek burbled happily along below them, and the birds chirped obliviously in the trees, which swayed gently in a light breeze, leaves rustling. But his mind was quiet. He closed his eyes, nuzzling his face into Cas’s neck. He wanted to stay like this forever.

His happiness, although long lived, only lasted so long. Something pricked his calf, and he let go of Cas to find the dog looking at the two of them expectantly, tail wagging. Miracle had returned from his squirrel hunt and was now proudly presenting them with another stick he had found.

“Dude, I’m not throwing that again,” he told the dog as Cas bent down to take the twig. Miracle seemed delighted at having two people to play with. He shot off almost before Cas had thrown his stick, almost tripping over his own feet in his need to give chase, barking excitedly.

“So much for peace and quiet,” Dean muttered under his breath. Cas grinned and put his arm around him, and Dean pressed a short kiss to his cheek before they set off after the dog.


End file.
